The Many Deaths of Tohru Honda
by ElfCollaborator
Summary: Tohru dies. A lot. Too many times. Rated T for black humour, death and bad writing. Character death warning. Parody. Warning: VERY black comedy, potentially unfunny, do not read if black humour is not your thing.


**The Many Deaths of Tohru Honda**

 **A/N: Welcome, one and all to….wait a second this isn't the RWBY section what am I even doing here. Oh, right, Furuba. So, um, hi, guys! I….decided to do a thing for Fruits Basket for once. This is probably the first and only thing I'll be doing for Fruits Basket, too, so uh…don't worry if you didn't like this fic too much, you won't be having to deal with my writing for long.**

… **I think the title speaks for itself. I've noticed a huge tendency for the tragic fics of this archive to kill Tohru off in some unfortunate manner. So, I've decided to write a fic killing off Tohru as many times as you like. Doesn't that sound swell? I hope you enjoy~!**

 **DISCLAIMER: Fruits Basket belongs to Natsuki Takaya, otherwise….erm. I can't think of a good joke about the new Fruits Basket manga, so…..eh. Warning for spoilers.**

 **All mentioned franchises and characters belong to their respective owners.**

 _ **This is very black comedy, with a lot of potentially unfunny scenarios. If you are not a fan of death being portrayed as funny, turn back now and read a fic where Tohru hugs some kittens. I also advise The Littlest Elf.**_

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine. It was all going to be okay, Tohru felt, and so it was.

"See, mom?" She uttered, sighing happily once more. "Everything's going to be just-"

Then several tons of tough, resilient metal in the form of a rather nice and well-made Hunda-brand car collided with the rather fragile frame of the rather unfortunate Miss Honda, tossing her several metres into the air like a ragdoll and sending her back down onto the hard concrete with a sickening crack, not unlike that of a baseball bat breaking itself upon a particularly well-thrown ball.

The driver, an unfortunate man by the name of Mister Hosokawa, would, after realising he had taken the life of this beautiful and vulnerable young woman, feel immense remorse, take his sentence with grace after being found guilty of the crime of idiocy by taking his blazer off while driving, and become a speaker for driver awareness later in life, finding love and raising two children, but never entirely shaking off the horrible guilt of robbing a young woman of her life until his death in a retirement home.

Of course, that was all in years to come. The immediate moment, of course, was concerned with the mortally wounded young woman on the road, as one might expect.

Tohru groaned, her slender fingers at her side coated in her blood. She felt her arms broken in several places, and she was short of breath, as her ribs had snapped and stabbed her in her lungs. She could see one rib poke out of her chest, seeping her gradually draining lifeblood out.

' _I-If only…..I could see…..Kyo….one…last….'_

And her hand went limp, slumping to the ground in a pool of blood, and her warm brown eyes went cold and glazed over. Just then, the rain began to fall, splattering her rather conveniently placed corpse with cool raindrops.

As one might say, Tohru Honda was now as dead as a doornail.

Kyo, of course, was absolutely devastated, to the extent that he nearly beat an unfortunate Yuki to a pulp and called him, as Shigure said and we shall quote, a 'damn liar'. Of course, the Sohma family was torn apart once more by the loss of this light upon their lives, and the funeral was very sombre; Kyo didn't show up, Yuki was even more taciturn than usual, Hiro cursed the 'stupid Tohru' for daring to leave them like this and even Akito was close to hunting down the man who had robbed them of this angel upon their lives. The rest of the family was in tears, or close to it, as her coffin was lowered into that blessed earth, and the memory of a girl too sinful for this wicked earth was preserved forevermore in a small, neat tombstone perched upon six feet of packed dirt.

And the saddest thing, the most tragic thing of all? Nobody ate dinner that night.

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine. It was all going to be okay, Tohru felt, and so it was.

"See, mom?" She uttered, sighing happily once more. "Everything's going to be just-"

Suddenly, a strange, mysterious urge befell her. A strange, rather unpleasant voice started whispering in our rather unfortunate young girl's ears.

 _End it all. Nobody cares about you. You will be abandoned again._

And that was a catalyst for a disastrous chain of events, which could not at all be avoided as Tohru completely and utterly lacked the resolve not to succumb, despite all evidence to the latter being provided by such unreliable sources such as her housemates, her best friends and her grandfather.

Tohru turned right around to the house and immediately grew a taste for such excellent and masterful bands such as Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. Slowly, the regret and anger stewed in her heart as the totally suicidal and not-at-all compelled by narrative Tohru began to contemplate ending it all, becoming more depressed to the extent of not leaving the house. Indeed, she had even missed the day Kyo was dragged into the room made especially for him; however, his absence had gone noticed, and that was a last straw.

She composed a hastily written and depressing poem that had not been stolen off of the Internet at all before acquiring a razor from Shigure's- rather messy, no doubt- bathroom and slitting her slender wrists with them, thinking of her beloved Kyo as her lifeblood seeped out of her wrists.

The last thought Tohru Honda had was not of her beloved Kyo and herself being reunited, nor of her suffering ending at long last after a long life of tragic happenings.

It was curiosity that the last words she'd ever hear were " _CRAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIN, THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEEAAAAL….."_.

Her corpse was eventually found the next day, as extinct as the dinosaurs themselves. Of course, the funeral was depressing, but there were more tragic things to consider.

For instance, nobody had dinner that night.

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine. It was all going to be okay, Tohru felt, and so it was.

"See, mom?" She uttered, sighing happily once more. "Everything's going to be just-"

Suddenly, a pale hand grabbed her from behind pulling her into a nearby alleyway. Tohru had barely the time to gasp in surprise before a cold, steely knife inserted itself into the back of her spine. She cried out in pain, trying to thrash and struggle as her blood seeped out of the wound, but it was no use, her captor was far stronger than she.

' _It's no use….I-I'm sorry, Kyo…..I couldn't….s-say….goodbye….'_

Eventually, her struggling stopped, and her eyes glazed over. Tohru Honda fell over onto the hard pavement, dead as a dodo, slumping onto the ground and resembling a ragdoll left over after a car crash.

Akito Sohma, her murderer, stood over her smiling with the deed done.

"It's done." She chuckled, looking at the bloodstained knife. "It's finally done. The stupid girl is dead. Those fools will finally listen to me as I deserve. Nobody will steal them away from me.

Stupid, stupid girl." She shook her head, staring down at her unseeing eyes. "You see? You could never beat me in the eyes of my family. Your kindness didn't save you from me, did it?"

The family matriarch then let out a crackling evil cackle worthy of those irredeemable villains such as Muttley and Dastardly, and left off to do such evil things as kick puppies and steal lollipops from children.

The next day, Akito Sohma was found dead at the bottom of a cliff with several objects, including an anvil, found crushed upon her. None of the rest of the Sohma family claimed responsibility and were found responsible, though Akito's blood was found all over Kyo's clothing, hair, room, and there was a huge sign next to her corpse saying 'KYO SOHMA WAS HERE' when the authorities located it. The authorities never did locate her murderer, and ended up arresting some unfortunate man by the name of Shinji Matou in the process.

There was no dinner that night.

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine. It was all going to be okay, Tohru felt, and so it was.

"See, mom?" She uttered, sighing happily once more. "Everything's going to be just-"

As if on cue, a large container of nuclear waste emitting carcinogenic levels of gamma radiation fell out of a truck that just so happened to pass Tohru on her way to the grocery store. The radiation was soaked up by the unfortunate girl, and her fate was sealed.

The first sign was when Tohru swooned in the middle of a party thrown to celebrate the New Year, seemingly attributing it to mere heatstroke. The second, when Tohru began to cough blood despite relatively little exertion. The third was when she fainted at work and had to be driven to hospital. Eventually, she spent several long, painful months wasting away and generally resembling the innocent ill women of Victorian novels before finally crying out 'Peace, peace!' and passing away while holding Kyo's hand. One might argue why she didn't simply end up like a certain scientist and gain the ability to transform into a green muscular beast of a man through sheer rage, but then such things are the flight of fancy.

Regardless, the funeral was very depressing. Kyo ended up taking up the hallowed tradition of all troubled teens and listening to Evanescence, Linkin Park and their ilk, before taking a long walk off a short cliff to join his beloved Tohru, and generally the rest of the Sohma family was depressed.

There was still no dinner that night.

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an anvil fell on her, squishing her as flat as a pancake. A small gravestone popped up on top of the anvil.

 _Tohru Honda. Died from a mismatch between cartoon physics and reality._

The anvil, of course, was rented from the Ajax company by none other than Akito Sohma, who watched the whole thing with a twirling moustache, dark longcoat, stylish hat and monocle, cackling with the voice of a clichéd 70s cartoon villain.

"Hahahahaaha! I have finally gotten rid of that stupid girl!" Akito declared proudly, punching the air in triumph. "Hahaha…..and what's that fizzing noise?"

She completely ignored that she, too, was completely vulnerable to another ignoble death; that by vivid-red sticks of lit dynamite.

Once more, there was no dinner that night.

* * *

Tohru Honda was walking along the sidewalk, happy as can be. With a bag in hand, the cheerful girl had one aim in mind; she was out on an excursion to the local grocery, to acquire more ingredients for tonight's dinner.

' _No leeks. Kyo never likes leeks.'_ Tohru noted to herself, poring over the shopping list she'd brought with her. _'…..maybe I'll make something nice. It_ is _nearly New Years', after all…._ '

Turning the corner, Tohru walked up straight to the pedestrian crossing. She sighed happily, taking in the afternoon air.

For a moment, all was well. It was bright, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everything seemed fine. It was all going to be okay, Tohru felt, and so it was.

"See, mom?" She uttered, sighing happily once more. "Everything's going to be just-"

"Oh. Hello."

A white, bunny-cat like creature tilted its head at her from a nearby lamppost. Tohru was taken aback, shaking her head in surprise.

"W-what? Who are you?"  
"I see there is something you truly desire." The creature tilted its head at her, like it had done with so many other of its victims. "Would you like to make a contract?"

….

"Hold up, hold up." Kyo held up his hand, his eyelid twitching. "…..what the hell's going on? Some….weird bunny thing is trying to make her contract?

I get the car crash. I get the strange thing driving her to off herself. I even get the random nuclear waste barrel. But making a contract? How's _that_ even meant to kill Tohru?! Did he just run out of ideas or something?! And what was with repeating the beginning part so much? Did he run out of thoughts or something?!"  
"…p-points for…..effort?" Tohru offered up hopefully, before faltering. "….I-I still don't understand why someone would want to kill me so much. I'm a little…..creeped out, actually."

Shigure snorted, taking pictures of the screen. "Akito'll love this. They made her look like some sort of cartoon villain.

And what did you expect when you read a fic called 'The Many Deaths of Tohru Honda'?"

"This is stupid." The catty boy muttered. "Who the hell would come up with something this stupid? Who would waste their lives _writing_ this crap?!"

* * *

 **END**

* * *

 **A/N: im so sorry**

 **On a serious note, all of the deaths except 'anvil' and 'Kyubey' are** _ **actual**_ **deaths that have killed Tohru off in tragedy fanfics (car crash is the most common, then suicide, then 'murdered by someone, often Akito', then cancer or some equivalent terminal sickness). This is just my experience, anyway, so I could be wrong.**

 **So, um, I hope you enjoyed that, leave your ideas, comments, criticisms, thoughts, reviews and suggestions, and I hope you have a great day! *exits stage left***


End file.
